Nobody had noticed it.
It wasn’t that his name had popped up in the news, because he had decided to
let this chalice pass by, so technically, everything had been fine, except that
for those few days during which he had not acted, he had felt as if i) he was
not important enough for anyone to notice it (but that was only a very marginal
sensation, one that was nearly inexistent and he himself had almost not been
aware of sensing it; it was simply impossible for his ego to claim so much room
for ulterior motives after years of hard work to keep it in check) and, after
he had made up his mind and finally had joined the list ii) as if he had
cheated. As if he was a fraud. Which was ridiculous, of course.
He hadn’t done anything wrong that could cast a shadow on him
or his decision or the ulterior motives behind his decision. It had been an
answer to a question of self-respect. He had done exactly what his sense of
responsibility had expected him to do. Nevertheless, as a consequence of those
subtle feelings, he now felt this suffocation gripping his chest and giving him
trouble to breathe. Also, the thoughts coming to his mind kept going in circles.
The consequence weren’t incessant sleepless nights yet, but his blood pressure certainly
was higher than usual.
It wasn’t that he suddenly had the feeling that it had been
completely wrong. It had been a well-considered decision. He had evaluated it
back and forth, and to his understanding, in this case nobody in this world had
the right to judge his moral stance or assess his ethical responsibilities. It
had been completely up to him. In the end, it had been nobody but him who had put
in the effort, sweat and hard work, who had gone through endless phases of
self-doubt and almost unbearable challenges, which had sometimes left him in
states of emotional and physical devastation. It was no one but him, who had
experienced those days, on which he didn’t know how to make ends meet, how to
pay his rent or food bills, while others somewhere deep down had admired him but
also had deemed his endeavours daydreaming and an unrealistic take on life – just imagine if all of them had ignored
their liabilities and pursued their dreams, passions or crazy ideas instead.
The Ceremony surely had made his parents proud. Especially
after they had already given up on him altogether and he had not really cared
any longer what they had thought of him, expected or said. Even his father, who
– not in an outspoken but in a subliminal manner – had always preferred his
brother, had almost shed a tear during the Ceremony, and his mother had looked
at him with this gleam in her eyes, the same gleam she had had when he had won
that poetry competition centuries ago, which now was completely forgotten and
of no importance any longer, but then it had meant the world to her and to him
as well. His brother hadn’t shown up on the day of the Award.
Not that he had always been driven by altruistic motives or
something like that, he rather had been self-centered and unrelenting in his
manners and opinions, which probably was what had made him persistent enough to
go through with his shit and endure those years and had earned him the Award in
the first place, however, now it seemed that being self-centered, i.e. telling
others to fuck off bec. it was none of their business, might harm not only
others but also him and his reputation - not that he had ever really cared
about what others said or thought of him, but he had the feeling that his steps
needed careful consideration.
The list had been growing, every day he had read new names
in the news.
Acting out and
crossing the street against the light did not always end in painful or life-changing
experiences, sometimes it ended in no experience at all, i.e. nothing happened,
no car would be crashing into you, no accident would be caused, no old man would
pop up out of the blue raising his fist or walking stick, shouting at you,
trying to regulate your behaviour: one would just cross the street and walk on,
unseen, unnoticed.
A few here and there already raised their voices and claimed
that those on the list had been acting out of sheer craving for attention. Some
started questioning what they aimed to achieve by opting out apart from creating
attention for a list of those, who had opted out. He had never been a fan of
bustling and jumping with high waves. Could staying silent and remaining in the
background have been the more humble or wiser decision?
One never knew which direction political currents would take
and which consequences it could have for the fate of individuals, especially
those who had made themselves visible; not that he feared any of it, he was
merely aware. Who was going to take a stance for such individuals when it came to
matters of life and death? apart from individuals of that group of individuals
itself, and as history had shown that often was nothing but a romantic thought
either. But for decades, people in his position had taken the lead and churned
awareness, spoken out against systems that were foreseeably going to twist the
inherent worth of a person’s dignity and human values in such a manner that it
seemed to be irrefutably justifiable that people of different race, caste, gender
or religion all had the rights, duties and degrees of freedom the ruling class
deemed appropriate for them. After all, wasn’t also freedom of speech at stake
here? And wasn’t clinging to decorations
equivalent to being materialistic, i.e., to revealing what could be deemed a morally
reprehensible characteristic? Especially decorations received for contributions
that touched issues reaching into ethical territories, which weren’t given to a
person but the cause the person stood for, didn’t leave room for hesitation. Nobody
in his position should have hesitated or have had reasons for a minute of doubt.
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